Most people thought we were crazy, but a few totally got it. Once my husband and I decided we wanted to have kids, we knew we wanted to have them close in age, and knew we wanted at least three. We both only have one sibling and are several years apart from them, and always wondered what it would've been like to have a bigger family with less spacing between. We feel incredibly blessed that our prayers were answered, and our first two are just over a year apart, and are expecting our third a year and a half after that.
Our first two girls are the best of friends, thick as thieves, and often get mistaken for twins. They are different in the best ways, and truly a joy to parent. I vividly remember our OB suggesting we wait at least a year to try and get pregnant again, but we were pretty insistent that we wanted it to be sooner. I was also hyper aware of how many people I knew that were struggling with infertility and regretted waiting until the "ideal window" to conceive, so I knew I wanted to follow my gut on this, as long as it was medically safe. Off the record, my OB suggested I "please wait at least six months," so that's what we did. But the following holiday season was definitely a little rough, as I didn't know what would lie ahead trying to prepare my body for birth again while also chasing around a one-year-old. It was a lot, as anyone who did the same spacing will tell you. We didn't have any help, and luckily my husband and I both own our own businesses and work from home. But that doesn't exactly make things any easier, though the flexibility made it possible to not need to rely on a childcare option (and expense).
Once my second daughter was born, we effectively had two babies at once, while I was recovering from a back-to-back c-section. That was initially the hardest part. I was basically rendered useless to my family and was pretty immobile for the first several weeks after getting home from the hospital. For the second time in a row, I wasn't able to produce enough milk to breastfeed, and struggled with that a lot. My husband is extremely hands-on and helpful, so I attribute a lot of how I got through this sensitive time to his ability to juggle so much and care for us all so well. But it was stressful, it was exhausting, and there were plenty of times we looked at each other and said, "what have we done?" So for all the pretty pictures you see on social media and perfect-looking families, there's always a lot going on behind-the-scenes that people like us don't necessarily think of when sharing content online. It doesn't mean it doesn't happen, and we're certainly not hiding anything. We're just trying to survive and make it through another day during the hard times, and the most peaceful and happy moments are the ones you often have the mind to capture, want to remember, and think to share.
As time went on, we got into a rhythm and finally felt like we had a solid routine going by about month three of bringing child #2 into the world. We quickly lined up nap schedules (which was huge!), and had consistent sleep regimens that allowed both children to get through the night early on. Once that time came, we bunked the girls together and it was absolutely seamless to our surprise. They felt so much comfort in sharing the space, and my oldest actually started sleeping better knowing she wasn't alone in there. It was a pleasant development no one expected.
Now all this time later, my oldest is turning 3 in a few months, with her younger sister turning 2 at the end of the year. My third pregnancy was similar to the first two health-wise - everything has been smooth thankfully, but the standard trimester-related symptoms have always hit me hard and lingered longer than I'd have liked them to. I'm 34 weeks pregnant now, and have finally hit the wall. The back pain strikes earlier in the day now, my feet are swollen and legs cramping regularly, and I'm just so so tired all the time. You need a lot of energy when you have two kids running around, and one that barely speaks yet. That part makes it harder, and has been a bit of a safety concern. You can't just call her name and tell her to "stop" if she's in danger, because she just doesn't understand yet. I'm unable to safely pick either of them up now because they both exceed 25 lbs, so it limits what we can do, or puts some extra pressure on my husband. He doesn't mind and never complains, it's just more of a "me thing" that I hate I can't contribute more.
On our best days, we are so excited to be a family of five soon, God willing. I adore my children, and am so grateful I get to spend all day with them and have the ability to juggle work during their sleep windows. But I would be lying if I said I wasn't anxious about what's to come. Our hands are more than full, and a newborn baby is due in just six weeks. The sleepless nights will be in full force, while there is no actual "maternity or paternity leave" afforded to us, as entrepreneurs. That means all earning stops when we do, relatively speaking. We work our tails off in the months leading up to this point knowing what will come next, so that adds to the stress as well. Sometimes I get worried I won't be able to give the same attention to my two girls when the new baby comes, mostly because I know that's largely the reality. I can't feed the new baby, engage with my oldest in all the ways she requires my focus, and keep my current youngest from hanging off a bookshelf at the same time. But I know many families around the world make it work, and have for generations. We may need to change up our flow and routine again to accommodate the required adjustments, and that's okay. I'm hopeful I will have the ability to give myself the grace to acknowledge everything doesn't need to be perfect all the time, especially in those tougher moments.
But as they say, the days are long and the years are short, and I know the struggle will be gone as quickly as it came. The early childrearing years are challenging, tiring, and sometimes feel like they'll never end. But my husband and I remind ourselves daily that there will be a day (that will come too soon) where we're longing for their attention and to spend more time with them as they grow up. Being present in the here and now is so important, and being grateful for the good times as much as the trying times. Children are a blessing, and I believe that now more than ever. And like with anything, if you want things many people don't have, you have to be willing to do things that many people don't do. I feel that way about growing our family at this pace. I am so excited to think about a future where we all get to enjoy life together and explore the world, and see my kids all become best of friends with close relationships and memories that will last them long after we're gone. One day the diapers won't be all over the floor, and I won't shriek as I step on a rogue block for the second time in an hour. One day, the hallways will be wide open without baby gate obstacles, and we won't take 15 minutes to get in and out of the car. And one day, we'll be anxiously waiting by the door as our first one to leave the nest comes back to visit for the holidays.
The moral of the story is, your family is what you make of it. You have to do what's best for you, and what feels right in your heart. You can't cave to pressure from the outside, and you have to find solace in your decisions, knowing there will be peaks and valleys in every stage, and nurture the relationship with your partner who will inevitably be the one to hold your hand through it all. You have a small window in life to make family happen, much smaller than I feel was ever truly expressed to me. I'm going to make it count in the way that feels right for my life, and I hope you have the courage to do the same.